I’m a fan of Batman AND Kpop Demon Hunters, so when I see the Dark Knight and Jinu sitting side by side at a Comic Con table, I beeline over for both their signatures. As I get my memorabilia ready to sign, Batman extends a hand, prompting me for a shake.
“Hey, I’m Edward Cullen! I’m 100 years old but I’m romantically interested in a seventeen year old girl!”
I take a step back. “Uh…what?”
Before he can elaborate, Jinu blurts, “I’m a 400 year old demon but I too, am inappropriately interested in a lady that’s young enough to be my great grand descendant!”
“Fuck.” Batman cradles his head in his hands. “What am I SAYING? I’m usually fine if I hit some crack before a convention. Musta been the tide pods. I ate like half a dozen of them shits.”
“Shut the fuck up!” Jinu hisses. “We need to keep it together for these goddamn fans!”
“I can’t.” Batman bows his head against his clenched fists. “I’m sick of pretending. I—”
All right that’s it. I’ve heard enough. I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Chris Hansen drops from the ceiling, spread-eagling his limbs before caving Jinu’s skull in with an apocalypse-ready, nail-studded baseball bat. A second later, he’s choking out Batman and declaring, “Hey, I’m Chris Hansen! I’ve dedicated my life to naming and shaming deviants like you!
Batman gurgles and claws at Chris’s arm, but to no avail. As Chris drags the caped crusader off-stage, he shoots me a look. “Want to watch me taser this guys wiener and balls? Imma shock him on the minute, every minute, for hours on end!”
“Uh…” I hiss through my teeth. “Nah, that’s all you, buddy.”
“Okey doke!” They disappear into an out-of-the-way access hall.
Man…that got real dark, real fast.
Leave a Reply