Tag: star-wars

What the dick-print is happening, my fellow cucumber-sized cock-floppers who attract longing stares, reddened faces, and wannabe devotees who grab your ankles and plead, “Teach me the ways!” whenever you wear basketball shorts or snug tight jeans, one day you push it too far and go cock-mad with power when you’re standing in front of…

“BY THE GODS!”  Aragorn busts into the room and unsheathes Anduril, right as I retract four of eight inches out from Arwen. “Quickly, Man Whore!”  She grabs a blanket and covers up.  “Fuck off with haste!” I pitch backward just in time—Aragorn’s blade streaks past my face.  “Large-membered dastard!”  His face twists in hate.  “I’LL…

What the gunt-strike is happening, all you folks who’re on rollerskates or skateboards or some other form of freewheeling fun where you’re suddenly inspired to leap over a pole or onto a railing but you severely misjudge it and WHUNG, that shit hits you right in the middle of the fucking gunt right between the…

“You know why we’re here.”  Tom Cruise looks gravely from face to face.  “Kent Fucking Wayne.  He’s taken the Man Whore world by complete fucking storm.  Over the last few years, we’ve seen our rankings wither into dust.” He’s answered by a series of murmured agreements.  Timothy Chalamet and Austin Butler nod along and cross…

What the dick exam is happening, all you poor unfortunates who have to go to the doctor for one reason or another, the doc asks you to drop trou and holy shit it’s colder than a goddamn refrigerated meat locker, your junk looks like a frightened acorn, gotta plump that shit up so you start…

What the fuck?  Last thing I remember was jerking it to myfriendshotmom dot com, then something hit me on the head and it all went dark… “Hnngh!”  I can’t loosen the ties around my wrists or ankles.  “Help!” I yell.  “SOMEBODY HEL—” The lights click on, illuminating an empty, expansive warehouse.  Two people come strolling…

What the shaft cut is happening, all you immaculate wiener-shavers who’re going for that perfect royal garden-maze-worthy hedge at the bottom of your womb-hammer because you’re getting ready for a date, the masterpiece is almost complete but right as you carve the last of your initials into the base of your bush your straight razor…

I’m a fan of Batman AND Kpop Demon Hunters, so when I see the Dark Knight and Jinu sitting side by side at a Comic Con table, I beeline over for both their signatures.  As I get my memorabilia ready to sign, Batman extends a hand, prompting me for a shake. “Hey, I’m Edward Cullen! …

What the cup of cheese is happening, all you degenerate tricksters who lure your friend by pretending to sniff the air with a puzzled expression and asking, “Why does it smell like bread?”  Then, when they too sniff the air with a puzzled expression, you fart as hard as you can into your hand and…

As I’m walking down the street, I glance into an alley and spot a woman yanking her pants down, crouch on the pavement, and give birth to a dooker with a teeth-clenching HNNGHH! Holy shit (literally)!  Is that…MARTHA STEWART??? She yanks her pants up, grabs my throat, lifts me off my feet, and pins me…