Tag: fiction

What the dick exam is happening, all you poor unfortunates who have to go to the doctor for one reason or another, the doc asks you to drop trou and holy shit it’s colder than a goddamn refrigerated meat locker, your junk looks like a frightened acorn, gotta plump that shit up so you start…

What the fuck?  Last thing I remember was jerking it to myfriendshotmom dot com, then something hit me on the head and it all went dark… “Hnngh!”  I can’t loosen the ties around my wrists or ankles.  “Help!” I yell.  “SOMEBODY HEL—” The lights click on, illuminating an empty, expansive warehouse.  Two people come strolling…

What the shaft cut is happening, all you immaculate wiener-shavers who’re going for that perfect royal garden-maze-worthy hedge at the bottom of your womb-hammer because you’re getting ready for a date, the masterpiece is almost complete but right as you carve the last of your initials into the base of your bush your straight razor…

I’m a fan of Batman AND Kpop Demon Hunters, so when I see the Dark Knight and Jinu sitting side by side at a Comic Con table, I beeline over for both their signatures.  As I get my memorabilia ready to sign, Batman extends a hand, prompting me for a shake. “Hey, I’m Edward Cullen! …

What the cup of cheese is happening, all you degenerate tricksters who lure your friend by pretending to sniff the air with a puzzled expression and asking, “Why does it smell like bread?”  Then, when they too sniff the air with a puzzled expression, you fart as hard as you can into your hand and…

As I’m walking down the street, I glance into an alley and spot a woman yanking her pants down, crouch on the pavement, and give birth to a dooker with a teeth-clenching HNNGHH! Holy shit (literally)!  Is that…MARTHA STEWART??? She yanks her pants up, grabs my throat, lifts me off my feet, and pins me…

What the old man cum is happening, all you geriatric sausage-floggers who manage to squeeze a tiny little drip-drop of aging penis-tear out of the tip of your womb-hammer, you break down sobbing because it used to be a goddamn firehouse and you could lean back and jerk it and shoot over your shoulder and…

I wake up tied to a chair, vision blurring and resolving in fuzzy twitches.  I’m in a high-rise office.  Across from me… “What the FUCK???”  I stiffen in horror as Elon, wearing nothing but a giant diaper, leans forward and regurgitates into Bezos and Gates’s open mouths, like a mother bird feeding her nesting young. …

What the dick-vein is happening, all you meat-slingers who’ve got big thick capillaries poking out of the shaft and head holy shit your womb hammer looks like a roided-out bodybuilder snorted a bucketful of meth and jacked out ten thousand pushups, it’s gonna burst free and force the rest of your body into a wiener-driven…

“Look at this nerd!”  A gym-bro, predictably named Tanner, shoves me while I’m walking toward the squat rack.  His gym-bro, buddy, a roofie-slinging Ivy league douche-bro named Sterling, snatches up my phone and starts clicking through my playlist.  “What the fuck—this guy listens to Kpop DEMON HUNTERS???  Let’s ostracize him with disproportionate fury, and power…