Tag: Sci Fi

“Look at this nerd!”  A gym-bro, predictably named Tanner, shoves me while I’m walking toward the squat rack.  His gym-bro, buddy, a roofie-slinging Ivy league douche-bro named Sterling, snatches up my phone and starts clicking through my playlist.  “What the fuck—this guy listens to Kpop DEMON HUNTERS???  Let’s ostracize him with disproportionate fury, and power…

What the strong-pube is happening, all you neglectful shower-shavers who don’t scrub up them bushies and leave a straggler hanging out on the tip of the shaft, the next time your significant other starts giving you a beej they pick it out but instead of just flicking it away they start flossing their teeth, hitting…

Mrrrgh… MRRGHH. Dark.  Tight.  Confined.  Feel slow.  Old.  Creaky.  Voices outside.  One say, “We found him—we fucking found him!  After the Grammar Nazi Revolution of 2026, Kent Wayne, freewheeling author and award-winning Man Whore, completely disappeared from historical records!  Who would have guessed that they mummified his body??” Mummy?  Me?  Fuck. Crowbars show on edges…

What the long-balls is happening, all you old weathered meat-slingers who are morosely winding your age-lengthened scrotum around your thigh, trying not to cry as you mourn the day you once had a tight attractive nutsack, a few hours later you’re in a helicopter seeing the city with a bunch of tourists, they’re all gabbling…

“Well, Kent, it’s time for you to drop trou so I can check out your colorectal health.” “Sure thing, Doc.”  I sh-loop off my pants and bend over onto the steel examination table.  Ch-CHUNK.  Manacles snap shut on my wrists and ankles, locking me in place. “What the fuck?”  I wriggle around, trying to slip…

What the turtle-dick is happening, all you wiener-slingers who think you’re about to make sex with a super hot soccer mom but then they yank their face off and start asking for the manager holy FUCK it’s a goddamn Karen your cock looks up at you, gives you a single, resolute, hell-nah shake of its…

THIS IS MADNESS! I scroll through my porn subscriptions—Brazzers, MyFriendsHotMom, etc. etc.— ALL CANCELLED!!! My screen goes black for a nerve-wracking moment, then fritzes back on.  No longer does it show a colorful array of icons, helpfully arranged for my user-intuitive comfort; it now shows the face of my long-time nemesis:  Grammar Nazi Prime. “Hello,…

What the drunken club-sex is happening, all you folks who drink too many drinks and take too many goddamn tabs and/or pills and suddenly you’re going home with a hottie, pumping your fist and hissing “Yessss” under your breath before you get it together and stumble through the door, holy shit it’s all a delirious…

Climate change is here!  Wildfires, droughts, storms, all of which lead to power and water shutoffs!  Which means I can’t take a shower, which means… SWAMP DICK. In the year 2026, an autonomous zone was declared around my wiener, stretching fifty miles in every direction.  Visible stink lines emanate from my crotch, withering and shriveling…

Hey everybody—I’m pretty sure you know what I’m talking about when I reference a joyous gush-fest with one-lover on top and the other below, rimming your bung with their hot, lashing tongue and— JUST KIDDING!  I pay taxes, I’m a patriot, and I’m also a virgin!  That was a test, and if you failed it,…