Climate change is here!ย Wildfires, droughts, storms, all of which lead to power and water shutoffs!ย Which means I canโt take a shower, which meansโฆ
SWAMP DICK.
In the year 2026, an autonomous zone was declared around my wiener, stretching fifty miles in every direction.ย Visible stink lines emanate from my crotch, withering and shriveling the surrounding vegetation.
I need a shower, goddammit!ย I havenโt pleasured a Soccer Mom in several yearsโtheir mental health must be shitting the bed, knowing their favorite Man Whore is alive and well, except heโs completely incapable of human contact!
โKENT WAYNE.โ
Huh?ย I open my door and take a peek outsideโa giant, hazmat-shielded mech is tromping onto my lawn.ย Bezos and Elon are inside the cockpit, steering the robot through haptic controls.
โWE HAVE DEVISED A SOLUTION FOR YOU:ย A SKIN-TIGHT, QUANTUM-SHIELDED BARRIER THAT WILL ADHERE TO YOUR GENITALIA.ย THE UNSPEAKABLE STINK WILL BE COMPLETELY CONTAINED.โ
I give them a skeptical look.ย โYou mean a condom? ย Are you KIDDING me???ย ย Thatโs like taking a granny shot versus a 720, tomahawk dunk!ย Itโs not just me, assholesโladies wonโt be able to enjoy my pulsing veins and exquisitely pronounced head-ridge!โ
Bezos clears his throat.ย โUMโฆMOST GUYS WEAR CONDOMS AS A MATTER OF COURSE.ย I MEAN, ITโSโโ
โEasy for you to say, you Dr. Evil-looking motherfucker!ย You probably had to beg for sex until your mid-to-late forties, you gerbil-dicked fuck!โ
Bezos shoots a panicked look at Elon.ย โUMโฆAHโฆโย Then he hangs his hand and whispers, โITโS TRUE.โ
This is unacceptable man, UNACCEPTABLE!!!ย What can I do, what can I doโฆ
Fuck it.ย No options left.ย So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.ย Magic flash.
A magic portal opens before me, sucking me into its luminous center.ย Reality stretches and bends, distorting into geometric impossibilities that simultaneously astonish and delightโฆ
SHLOOP!
โWake up, fair traveler.โย A beautiful, pointy-eared lady resolves into focus.
โHuh?โย I blink dazedly.
โFear notโwe have magically vanquished the horrendous evil arising from your genitals.ย Welcome to the Enchanted Booty Forest, where Elven Soccer Moms cavort and frolic.โย She pauses, then adds, โLingerie pillow fights are kind of our thing.โ
OH yeah!ย Keep your swampy-dicked EarthโEnchanted Booty Forest, baby!
๐
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