I wake up tied to a chair, vision blurring and resolving in fuzzy twitches. I’m in a high-rise office. Across from me…
“What the FUCK???”
I stiffen in horror as Elon, wearing nothing but a giant diaper, leans forward and regurgitates into Bezos and Gates’s open mouths, like a mother bird feeding her nesting young. After they gobble it down, they nuzzle his chest and nurse on his teats.
“Hello, Kent.” He gives me a wicked grin.
I sputter for a second, then manage, “WHY?”
“I’m bored.” He shrugs. “There’s only so much entertainment money can buy.”
“Bored?” My forehead crinkles in disgust and puzzlement. “Why am I here?”
He pulls Gates and Bezos off his nipples. They protest with mewls and needy grunts. “NO,” he reprimands. “Daddy’s busy—back in your cages!” They scuttle away on all fours, hissing and screeching like Gollum in Ring withdrawal.
“Always wanted to beat someone to death with these teats.” He hefts them in his hands. “Look at these HANGERS. Bigger than Sydney Sweeney’s goddamn village-feeders.”
“You’re gonna beat me to death?” I strain against my knotted restraints.
“Damn straight I am.” A second later, he’s charging on all fours, snarling and gibbering with venomous rage.
Fuck that—I ain’t dying from no smelly titties. So I rip an arm free, reach into my pocket, and open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My giant wiener untucks from my sock, uncoils from my shin and from around my thigh, then rips free of my pants and rises into the air.
“NO!” He recoils and shields his face with his hands. “A penis greater than two inches in length and 1.5 inches in circumference!” His face contorts with pain and rage. “SSSSSSS!!!” Seconds later, he’s down on his knees, tears rolling from his eyes, as he ties a headband around his forehead and solemnly draws a wakizashi in preparation for seppuku.
I don’t stick around to see what happens—I’m already running out the door. I don’t give a damn about the money; you couldn’t pay me enough to pack a hamster-tail-sized wiener and have to constantly deal with some knee-knocking hangers!
Kent Wayne wins again! HEH heh heh!
😀
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