Mrrrghโฆ
MRRGHH.
Dark. Tight. Confined. Feel slow. Old. Creaky.
Voices outside. One say, โWe found himโwe fucking found him! After the Grammar Nazi Revolution of 2026, Kent Wayne, freewheeling author and award-winning Man Whore, completely disappeared from historical records! Who would have guessed that they mummified his body??โ
Mummy? Me?
Fuck.
Crowbars show on edges of my coffin. Pry up lid and expose me to light.
โHoly shit, look at the hog on this guy! Over a thousand years old and heโs still got a boner? Are you kidding me? Itโs like a babyโs arm holding an apple!โ
Leader say, โStay professional. That wiener might hold the cure to our unexplainable micro-penis epidemic.โ
(Why unexplainable? Nagging about grammar turn average penis into clit-sized nub.)
โGotta chop off the head and send it to our spectrometer techsโtheyโll be able to test it for a bevy of growth factors!โ
What? WHAT??? Chop off head??? Girthy flare that homes in on g-spot?
NO.
I reach in bandages, pull out eReader, and open it to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Life flows into my desiccated flesh, restoring my healthy Man Whore glow. Simultaneously, my prehensile wiener pierces three of the Grammar Naziโs jawline-devoid heads, going in the left ear, out the right ear. As I flex my pc muscles, blood rushes into the shaft, andโ
Ger-SPLOOSH!
โexplodes their skulls with the influx of pressure.
The last one flees, gibbering and screaming. I grab the base of my womb-hammer, flick it a couple times and snap-tie it into a veiny lariat, then circle it high above my head. The third time around, I fling it outward, snagging the Grammar Nazi around the face, right between his nose and his mouth.
โNo!โ he shrieks. โIt burnsโit BURRRRNNNSSSSSssssโฆ.โ
As he falls to his knees, rendered unconscious by shock and horror, I unsnap my wiener from around his face, then wind it around my thigh and shin. Thatโs what you get for being a linguistic Karen! Kent Wayne wins again!
๐
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