A zany and profane ad for my upcoming paperbacks for the Unbound Realm, soon available directly for purchase from King’s Entertainment

THIS IS MADNESS!

I scroll through my porn subscriptions—Brazzers, MyFriendsHotMom, etc. etc.—

ALL CANCELLED!!!

My screen goes black for a nerve-wracking moment, then fritzes back on.  No longer does it show a colorful array of icons, helpfully arranged for my user-intuitive comfort; it now shows the face of my long-time nemesis:  Grammar Nazi Prime.

“Hello, Kent.”  He expresses a nasal chuckle.  His chinless jaw waggles and bounces.

“Fucker.”  I clench my fists.  “As of this moment, gallons of sperm are building in my pendulous balls, begging for release.  And for some reason…”  My eyes flick up and to the left, searching my brain for my hottest spank-bank moments, but they’re all gone.  Erased.  Wiped. 

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE???” I scream.

He chuckles again.  “Neuromemetics.  After I hacked your computer, I cleaned out your spank-bank through a carefully placed series of flash subliminals.  Say goodbye to your balls.”  His chuckle graduates to a full-on guffaw.  “They’re about to explode!  HEE hee hee!”

Sweat pours from my wrinkled brow.  Fuck me—according to my calculations (which go along the lines of “stroke boner now, or body goes Ragnarok”) I have less then ten minutes!  Ten minutes ’til my goddamn sperm turns against me, resulting in Akira-style growth and unspeakable madness!

So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

My boner rises to full mast, breaking through the ceiling into the clear sunny blue.  Fragments of ceiling rain down around me but I don’t care—I’m in the grip of a Highlander-worthy energy-storm.  As my feet levitate off the ground, my eyes blaze with arcane power.  Through our video-link, I see Grammar Nazi Prime go from gloating to frightened.

“No!  Kent I’m sorry!  Whatever you’re doing, please sto—”

Too late.  My attack sperm teleport into his living room, drowning him in a wave of tidal Grossness.

“AAGGH!  THBBPT!  OH GOD, IT SMELLS LIKE DEATH AND ASPARAGUS!”

And THAT, my friends, is why you don’t keep me from flogging my hog.  HEH heh heh!

😀

Admittedly, that had nothing to do with my upcoming paperbacks for the Unbound Realm. But now that I have your attention, I’d just like to announce that all three books will be available as paperbacks directly for purchase from King’s Entertainment, and there will be a three-book bundle as well!

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