I knock thrice on the hotel room door. “Hello, did someone order an award-winning Man Whor—” Before I can finish, the door swings open, Lois Lane and Catwoman grab my lapels, and yank me inside with eye-widening force.
I’m not sure how they do it, but my pants and undies disappear in a split-second flash “Look at that UPCURVE!” Lois grabs my wiener, fixating on it with a Gollum-like stare.
“One-side, bitch!” Catwoman shoves her aside, grabs my womb-hammer, and loudly declares, “I’m about to turn your dick into a professional boxer!”
“Wh-what?” I stammer.
“Yeah—it’s gonna train on that punching-bag-thingy in the back of my throat!” She proceeds to galumph my wiener and send me into a near-epileptic paroxysm of beej-spawned delight. For the next few hours, I get taken into a dreamworld of magic; I see Elves and demons, mecha-robots and tentacled aliens, unicorns mating with centaurs and basilisks…somewhere in that mess of world-bending slurp, I glimpse the equation that unifies quantum physics and general relativity.
Then Wonder Woman busts in the door. “They trained your dick to get in the ring, but once I’m done, it’ll be ready to beat down Tyson in his PRIME!”
“Drained of cum…need…Gatorade…” I mumble. “Intravenous…fluids…”
“Strap the fuck in, ’cause—”
Batman and Superman crash through the window. Superman’s jaw drops in abject horror.
“Diana? LOIS???”
Batman levels a gauntleted finger at me. “You’re fucking DEAD.”
“Oh SHIT!” Wonder Woman scrambles to her feet. As all three ladies run out the door, she slaps my ass and yells, “Peace, he-slut!”
Superman’s crying, but his eyes are also glowing heat-vision red. Batman’s walking toward me, fists clenched, intent on punching one long hole from my ass to my mouth.
Fuck it. No options left. So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My beej-drained wiener springs to life, extending a dozen feet in less than a second. It mushroom stamps Superman twice across the cheeks—wh’pap-PAP—then sprays kryptonite jizz all over his face. He drops to his knees, clutching the air, trying to scream in agony with a desiccated tongue and mutilated vocal chords.
Batman charges, growling like a fucking meth’d up tiger. Before he can reach me, Chris Hansen spear-tackles him sideways, sits on his chest, and yanks off his mask. “This ain’t no BATMAN!” he scoffs. “You’re a goddamn PEDO!”
Edward Cullen/Pattinson looks up at the host from To Catch a Predator. “What the fuck are you—”
“A hundred year old vampire? That hangs around high schools and dates seventeen year old VIRGINS? You think no one would connect the red fucking flags?”
Understanding dawns on Battinson’s face. “No! That’s not—”
“OH yeah.” Hansen’s lips widen with glee. “I’mma hook your balls up to a couple a’ car batteries. Time to fricassee some pervert scrotum!”
“No! NOOOO—YEAAARRGGGHHHH!!!” He screams as Hansen tasers his jaw.
Meanwhile, I take off down the hall, grinning like the cat that got the mothafuckin’ cream. That’s what you get, dickholes, for interrupting a life-changing beej from Wonder Woman!
HEH heh heh! Kent Wayne wins again!
😀
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