โHHRNNGHH!โย I stifle a scream as Grammar Nazi Prime budda-budda-buddas my giant nuts, laughing with joy as they ricochet off my thighs and stomach.ย Once heโs done, I sag downward, tightening the links around my arms and legsโheโs rigged me to a series of junkyard chains, configured so Iโm horizontally suspended at head level.ย That way, he can beat my sack with sadistic aplomb.ย
โNoโฆโย I moan.ย โMy clit-hammersโฆโ
โFUCK your clit-hammers!โย He throws a savage right, drawing a yelp as my brain-like scrote thups back and forth.ย โCreative piece of big-dicked SHIT!โ
โAll thisโฆโย I take a deep, shuddering breath.ย โBecause youโre jealous?โ
โJealous?ย JEALOUS?โย He clutches the air with small-cocked fury.ย โThe instant you advertised yourself as an award-winning Man Whore, half the dating apps shut the fuck down!ย Now, instead of being drenched in hot-ass vajeen, Iโm jerking off with a pair of cotton-tipped tweezers!โ
I muster my strength and manage, โNoโฆwomanโฆwouldโฆโ
โShut the FUCK UP!โย He blatters my ball-bag with a full-body punch.ย I canโt help itโI scream in a mix of rage and pain.ย โSo now,โ he pants.ย โWeโre going to redo every trace of your digital footprint.ย No more goofy-ass stories, no more freewheeling website.ย Thatโs right.โย His toothy grin stretches into a rictus.ย โIโm going to make good and damn sure youโre using โwhomโ when youโre supposed to, no more sentence fragments, say goodbye to your made-up wordsโฆโ
โMy godโฆโ I whisper.ย โYouโre going to infect my site with your check-in-the-box horseshit.โ
He examines his nails.ย โBeen a long time coming, Wayne.ย You wanna be a zany fun author?ย Fine.ย But take a look at that incest-peddling beardo, the one who wrote about medieval fuck-machinesโโ
โGeorge R.R.โโ
โYeah, that guy.โย He waves dismissively.ย โYou get to be a badass author, but you better look like that guy.ย Otherwise, life ainโt fair.โย He cracks his knuckles.ย โAnyways, letโs finish upโgotta work on your shit-ass website.โย
The whole time heโs been running his gob, Iโve been worming free of his coiled-chain restraint.ย Nowโs my chance.ย I rip an arm free, reach into my shirt pocket, click my phone on, and open the eReader app to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.ย Magic flash.ย
My scrote bubbles with sentience and life; it now resembles a super-ugly version of Patrick Star from Spongebob.ย It doesnโt stop thereโas soon as Grammar Nazi Prime turns and flees, roils of scrote bubble out from my sack and coat him in flaps of revolting Gross.ย He screams as the skin melts off his bones.ย It crescendos in a high-pitched wailโEEEEEEEEโbefore the ball-flesh envelops his head in wiry-haired folds.ย
Pity flashes through me as I stare at his desecrated corpse.ย Then I shrug in nonchalance.ย
Thatโs what you get fucker, for trynna inflict your stoopid-ass grammar on us freewheeling writers!ย
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