Tag: romance

Taylor Swift reclines on her lizard-skin sofa, holding a glass of whale-sperm wine.  “You’re an award-winning Man Whore.  To say I’m expecting a lot would be a massive understatement.  Now get to Man Whore-ing, you sluttalicious he-trollop.” I clear my throat.  “Um…ok.  Put on your underbib so you don’t stain the couch.”  I saunter toward…

Grammar Nazi Prime grabs my shoulders.  “I need…to enter…a VAGINA.”  He bores into my eyes with a haunted gaze. “Um…why do you have to say it like that?”  I delicately remove his hands from my shoulders. “We’ve been lifelong enemies, but now I come to you in a spirit of penitence—I will no longer hound…

You may not know this, but Tolkien left out an important, history-changing kingdom in LOTR. How do I know?  Because I was there… SOMEWHERE ON MIDDLE EARTH… A random squire comes running up to me.  “Gondor calls for aid!”  He thrusts a finger at my bedroom window, where the beacons of Gondor are burning off…

Wonder Woman taps a line of coke onto my wiener, snorfs it up, and yells, “Ah said GYATT DAMN!!!”  Lois Lane shoves her aside and taps a fresh line of snow onto the Widener (don’t judge—we all have a nickname for it).  “WHOO!!!”  She drums my bare ass—pitta-pitta-PAP!  “BEST.  MAN WHORE.  EVERRRR!!!!”  I grin at…

“I’m coming for you, Kent!  And hell’s comin’ with me!”  Chuck Norris glares at me through my phone screen, thrusts his hips and grabs his crotch, and throws me the finger before he hangs up Fuck, what did I do???  I need to get out of here before— He roundhouse-kicks through my fucking garage, crinkling…