Category: Thursday Transmissions

While I’m proud of my accomplishments as an award-winning Man Whore, I’m a low-key dude who—just like the rest of you low-key dudes—enjoys making ape-noises and trying to see if I can use the Force by trying to move the baaaarely out-of-reach remote control using a curled-hand gesture and an intense-ass stare.  Yeah, that’s why…

What the swamp-dick is happening, all you neglectful meat-slingers who build up a plethora of cheese and ectoplasm only to loosen the draw-strings on your shorts and cause mass-seizures across half the continent, Bigfoots crawl across the forest ground, begging in their strange, horn-like language with tears matting the fur on both their cheeks, paint…

Bezos busts through the wall, sighting in on me with dozens of unnecessarily visible aiming-lasers, mounted on the shoulders of his billion-dollar mech-suit.  “What the fuck?”  I jump out of bed and cover my gigantic penis with a nearby pillow. A band of shadow descends on his eyes.  “Penis…ROCKETS!” No time to think—I leap and…